Horuma's Crazy Reportings
by badbehaviour
Summary: Bwahahaha! What happens if you take three perverted gods in Saiyuki boys' rooms to make reportings? Pure sillyness... And nose bleeds, of course.
1. Visit to Homura

Ohayo, minna-san! This new Fic came in my mind just a while ago, and here it is!!! This is a prologue... Homura fans don't be angry with me! I love him too! Really!  
  
This Fic contains Yaoi...even if in a demential way...^_^;  
  
Kristen: *Laughs.* Disclaimer- Saiyuki isn't Francine's property...but that's why we can do all these crazy things without a care! *Fox grin.* AND NO FLAMES!  
  
Badbehaviour: Let's start!!!!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------  
  
Scene: Homura's tower... Homura is sitting on his throne and seems to be absorbed in deep thoughts......  
  
Zeon: Hey Shien, our master seems to be meditating as usual today...  
  
Shien: Yeah...maybe he has thought of something to steal the sutra from the Sanzo - ikkou...  
  
Zeon: Our master's always at work... ^_#  
  
Shien: You can tell this..  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------  
  
Horuma's Mind: I really don't have a fuckin' plan to steal that goddamned sutra... Shit! I need a reason to go and meet them... So... I'll *giggles at the thought.* *This time doesn't think, but talks loud.* I'LL SEE THAT SEXY CUTIE SEITEN TAISEI SON GOKU!!!  
  
Shien & Zeon: ... -_-  
  
Zeon: ...Yes?^_#  
  
Shien: You heard him too?  
  
Zeon: Yes...  
  
Shien & Zeon: ... ... *Sitting on the ground*  
  
Shien: How exactly we're ended like this, serving a sexy - but - freaky kami?  
  
Zeon: *Indifferently.* We were both drunk....and...  
  
Shien: Yes, but...  
  
Zeon: ... And... You had a crush on him... So...  
  
Shien & Zeon: *Realizing how empty and vain their life is.* *Sigh.*  
  
Zeon: Do you want a glass of this? *Shows a bottle of vodka*  
  
Shien: Yea... Thank you friend... *Thinks a moment.* Gimme that bottle! *Glug! Glug!* *Takes the bottle and drinks a lot.*  
  
Homura: *Walks up and down from the throne.* I need an idea... They already realized how I'm obsessed in Goku's strength... If I don't pay attention, Konzen will realize that I'm interested in something else...  
  
Badbehaviour: *Appears out of....who knows where?* OOOHAYOOO HOMI - CHAN!!!  
  
Homura: *Jumps 100 feet from the ground.* AAAAAARGGGHH!!! *Still very scared. *W-who are you? How did you enter! Zeon, Shien!!!  
  
Kristen: It's useless... look... *Points at the two, who are sleeping like rocks on the ground, VERY drunk.*  
  
Homura: O.o *Sweatdrops.*  
  
Badbehaviour: *Tup, tup.* *Teasing the two with a stick.* Are you two dead?  
  
Kristen: ^_^;  
  
Homura: *Stays with a blank look for a moment.* Ah! I was saying... Who are you two!? *Tries to recompose himself.*  
  
Badbehaviour & Kristen: Mmmphh... *Trying hard to not laugh.*  
  
Homura: *Seriously.* What are you two laughing about?... No... You two... Didn't hear what I was saying a while ago, ne?  
  
Kristen: *Carelessly* Yes... In Dolby Surround...  
  
Badbehaviour: Must you tell them?!?!  
  
Homura: *Blushing furiously.* Err... That was... Ahem... But... Wait a minute! I'm the Toushin Taishi after all!!! I'll kill you if you two tell anybody a single word of what you heard!!! I can steal your lives with a simple move of this! *Shows his burning sword!* Bwahahahaha!!! *Totally gone.*  
  
Kristen: Oi, Francine, it's ready!  
  
Badbehaviour: Wah! Let me taste it!  
  
Homura: ... ... ... ... *Stares shocked at the two girls who are... COOKING SOME BUNS ON HIS SWORD!!!*  
  
Badbehaviour: *Sensing Homura's glare.* Oh... You don't mind if we use this for a while, ne? It works a lot!  
  
Kristen: *With her mouth full of food.* DO YA' WANFTT - *GNAW! GNAW!* - A TAFTE? (Translation... 'Do you want a taste?')  
  
Badbehaviour: Don't talk with your mouth full, Kris.  
  
Homura: *THUMP!* *Faints.*  
  
Badbehaviour & Kristen: Oooops... Did we do that? *Innocent look.*  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------  
  
Kristen: *Slapping Homura's face.* Eh!! Wake up!  
  
Homura: What? Who!? *Looks at the two.*......  
  
Badbehaviour: You completely mis - understood us... We are here to help you!!!  
  
Kristen: Yeah!  
  
Homura: H - help me? *Shiny eyes.* B - but why?  
  
Kristen: *Vaguely dying of boredom...*  
  
Badbehaviour: *Nods.*  
  
Homura: So if you help me, you could have some fun, am I right?  
  
Kristen: *To Badbehaiour.* He could be a freak-maniac-but still sexy-kami, but stupid, ne?  
  
Badbehaviour: You have a point here...  
  
Homura: *Vein twitching.* Well, how did you two think to help me... I presume you have a plan...  
  
Kristen: Sure... Ever heard of "Dokkiri No Neoki"?  
  
Homura: Dokkiri No Neoki... *Serious look.* I've heard of it... But... Well, you know... I don't watch those silly programs...*Superiority look.*  
  
Badbehaviour: Oh... Kristen... Did you hear him? *Ironical.* *Trying to imitate his serious voice.* "I don't watch those silly programs."  
  
Zeon: *Some metres away.* Hey Shien, take a look at these!  
  
Shien: What's this? *Looks at a mountain of VHS, all numbered and titled.*  
  
Zeon: *Takes one of the VHS and reads.* "Dokkiri No Neoki, Episode 15..."  
  
Shien: *Curious.* Eh, where did you find them?  
  
Zeon: I was tiding master's room as usual, when I found those under his bed in a box...  
  
Badbehavior & Kris: *Ironic look.* *To Homura.* So?  
  
Homura: *Shocked.* ... ... ... Ahem - Err- Ahem... ... *Faints one more time.*  
  
Kris: He's hopeless!!!  
  
Badbehaviour: Hey you! *Punches him hard on the head.*  
  
Homura: ITAI!  
  
Kris: How cute... Acts like his loved one...  
  
Homura: Grrrrr......  
  
Badbehaviour: Don't be that embarrassed... You're lucky that Zeon didn't find the other box... The one that contains...  
  
Zeon: *Peeps from Badbehaviour's shoulder.* Goku's photos from 56774 different angolations?  
  
Bad / Kris / Homura / Shien: O.o  
  
Shien: *Excited like a schoolgirl.* Waaaaaahhhh! That's to cute!! *shows a picture of Goku sleeping.*  
  
All: *Looking blankly at him.*  
  
Shien: *Blush.* Well? What's up! Only Homura can act like this? I always make the silent and calm one, sometimes I NEED to act like this! What the hell, gimme a rest!  
  
Zeon: *Shocked.* Ahem... Well... What's Dokkiri No Neoki?  
  
Kris: It's a famous Japanese show... In this show, a reporter is sent in a celebrity's house while he or she is sleeping, and shows how he or she sleeps, what they wear while sleeping, or simply shows their room and their habits...  
  
Shien: Mmhh interesting... So... That's your plan... You want us to go in the Sanzo-ikkou's rooms?  
  
Homura: *To Shien.* So we'll steal the Maiten Tenkyou and... hehehe...Well - *Teasing Shien with his elbow.* ...You now what...  
  
All: *Veeery interested.* WHAAT?!  
  
Homura: *Trying to look self assured.* Come on people... You perfectly know what I'm talking about!  
  
Badbehaviour: We know it? Kris, you know it?  
  
Kris: *Innocently.* Me? Know what? Shien, you know it?  
  
Shien: *Innocent, too.* Nooooo... What are you talking about, girl? Zeon, you know it?  
  
Zeon: If I know something? I don't know nothing of nothing! Master Homura, what should we now? *Grinning.*  
  
Homura: Well... *With very low voice.* We can even see them while they sleep and... *Lower.* Even to rummage between their things... ...  
  
Badbehaviour & Kris: WHAAAAT? We can't hear you...talk more loudly, please!  
  
Homura: Mercy....  
  
Zeon's mind: Waaaah...I can go in Sanzo's room... Gojyo's, too!!  
  
Shien's mind: Waaaaah... I can go to Hakkai - kun's room!!  
  
Homura's mind: Waaaaaaah... I can go to all those sexy boys' room!!! Goku... *Dreamy face.*  
  
Bad & Kris: It's useless to talk in your minds, it's to easy to guess what you three are thinking about...  
  
Bad: Kris... We should stop talking together...  
  
Kris: What's your problem? It's just a Fic after all...  
  
Bad: Mmmh, I guess you're right...  
  
Badbehaviour: To be right... Homura will go alone... And you two, will stay with us to lead the operation!  
  
Shien & Zeon: OK!  
  
Kris: OKAY THEN, LET'S START WITH THE "PEEPING TOM OPERATION"!!!  
  
Badbehaviour: What's the need to give it a name? THIS name, too....  
  
Kris: *Pouts.* Umph! What do you want? It's more funny!  
  
Badbehaviour: *Skeptically.* If you say that...  
  
Homura: Waaaaahhh! I'm so excited!!!  
  
Badbehaviour: Stop giggling like a sissy, you sexy-freaky kami! IT'S TIME TO DO SOME VOIYEURISME! Let's go!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----  
  
End of the prologue people!!! How was it? In the next chapter we're going to spy on the Saiyuki boys!!!  
  
Badbehaviour: LET'S START... ...  
  
Kris: ... ... TO REVIEW!!! 


	2. SANZO'S ROOM!

I'm so sorry I took so long to put up the second chapter! I guess I kinda quit fanfiction for a while… Sorry!

Disclaimer: I don't own saiyuki and characters (wah!), Kazuya Minekura does…

Badbehavior: I'm kicking Kris out and pulling Candice (aka Candy) in cause umm… Candy loves Saiyuki more than Kris… Sorry Kris

Candy: Whoo! I'm in a fic! I can be eaten!

Badbehavior: --'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene:Sanzo Ikkou's house, 11:45 pm

Candy: It's a quiet night... The air is warm, the sky is clear and the stars are bright and shiny... All in the house are sleeping... They don't now that something scary is going to hit them... Something hidden... Something between the bushes... Something so awful that you can't imagine it... It's..

Badbehavior: Hey you! To homura Can you tell me when the fuckin hell I authorised you to take my popcorns? And most important, why do I have popcorns in a bush? to herself

Homura: pouting Waa! You're so mean! Zenon, tell her something!

Zenon:What?

Homura:TELL HER SOMETHING!

Candy:twitching madly ... My intro...

Zenon: Sure! Looks at Badbehavior Something

Homura: on the point of crying Nobody understands meeeeeee! ppppprrrrr! blows his nose with shien's robes

Shien: O.O# shocked to himself Calm down shien... It's all right... Shhhhh... Shhh... It's all right... You can handle this.. You can... Bwaaaaaaaah! starts to cry

Badbehavior: to zenon Are they always like that?

Zenon:blank look Yes...

Candy: to zenon Poor boy..Eyes shining with tears

Bad: Those three are worst of what they seem to be on tv...

From the house:

Sanzo: Shoots: BANG BANG! LEMME SLEEP FUCKIN BAKA SARU!

Goku: Itaii!... Sanzoo...

Outside:

Homura: eyes shinig with tears My sweet goku! I'll come to rescue you! jumps out of the bushes in super man style

Bad:grabs him from the collar YA IDIOT!YOU'LL MAKE THEM FIND US!

Homura:almost cryingbut..but..he's so mean with the lovable goku!

Candy: You don't understand.. It's his way to tell that he loves him!

Bad/Zenon:O.o

Homura: What? But - but... If I'd show him my love... blushing I'd hug him… blush more I'd kiss him..

Candy: Hey Fran, did you put a parental advisory in this fic?

Bad: Oh my god! I forgot we have to do with a maniac kami!

Candy/Bad: rallenty WE HAVE TO STOOOOOOP HIM!

Homura: … And I'd fuc.. Bfffffffccim! mouth shut by melania and joce's hands

Bad: Almost in time!

Candy: Yes! It's for the childrens' sake!

Bad: Low voice, to the readers The truth is that we could be sued for damages from the reader's parents, you see...

Zenon: Ok! It's all quiet now! We can go!

All: Ok!

ALL CREEPING TO THE HOUSE'S DOOR LIKE NINJAS

Bad: Ok! We have to reach the second floorpoints a point on a map

Shien/Homura/zenon: Got it!

Candy: Isn't this house at two floors?  
Bad: Yes..

Candy: And can you please tell me why do you need a map?

Bad: offended It's more funny!

Candy: 'kay… ;

THEY ARRIVE AT THE SECOND FLOOR

Bad: Ok guys... From my map, I see that the first room it's sanzo's... The plan is simple... Homura!

Homura: Yes!

Candy: Fran… I really understand that ya love using a map… But.. But… THAT'S TOO MUCH EVEN FOR ME! WHY THE FUCK WE NEED A MAP WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR NAMES WRITTEN ON THE DOORS? points at the etiquettes on the doors

Bad: Ignoring her to homura You go to the room... Your equipment is... throws out things from a bag a videotape and this walkie talkie... You have to report us what happens, and, obviously, to videotape all...

Homura: Waaaahh! I'm so excited!

Bad: And, you absolutely have to leave all as you find in the room!

Homura: I can't pick anything?

Bad: Nothing…

Homura: A t-shirt?

Bad: Nothing

Homura: Mmmh... A pair of boxers?

Bad: Nothing

Homura: desperately A comb?

Bad: twitching Nnotthinngg

Homura: ... Mmmhh... The hairs on the comb?

Bad: inhales Nnnnhh... NNNNNNOOOOOOOTTHIIIIING!

Candy: Ssshhhhh!

Homura: Sigh...

Bad: And you'd better bring this with you throws him a little mysterious box

Homura: What's this?

Bad: I hope that you would not need to know it… Now, it's time to go… But... Before you go... I should tell you something... blushs

Homura: blushs W-what?

Zenon: to Candy Hey, she isn't going to tell him what it seems she's going to tell, ne?

Candy: Who knows it? Anything is possible with her.. After all he's crazy and dark as her, so…

Bad: ... This is a dangerous mission... You could die... So I have to ask you this...

Homura: acts cool Tell me everything... -he he, I knew it, there's no girl who's able to resist me...-

Bad: ... Ok then... IF YOU DIE CAN I HAVE YOUR BURNING SWORD? IT'S SO COOL!

Homura: shocked ...

All: Shocked ...

1 min later

Shien: Fiuu.. That was close

Zenon: Yeah…

Candy: very pissed to homura … See… I know that she can sometimes be rude and absolutely unsensitive

glares at Fran - Bad: Nh?

… But really, I think that it's too much… TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF JUMPING OUT OF THE WINDOW! IF YOU WANT TO SUICIDE, PLEASE, DO IT WHEN I'M NOT CLOSE TO YOU SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO RESCUE YOU TO WRITE THIS GODDAMNED FIC! Shouts/Says all without breathing

Homura: I should have know this… When I first saw her with her leather coat matrix-style…

Candy: If you want to know it, you should have understood this from her nickname (badbehaviour), ya idiot!

Bad: OK, ok, people! Let's try to take back a little bit of organization! Homura! Since you're a little bit shocked, I'll come with you as a support..

Candy: to shien … It's just to calm her guilty coscence…

Bad: to zenon, whispering Candy have not understood, it's not for guilty coscence, since I don't have a coscience… But if he's mad at me, he would never allow me to take his sword after his death! And.. I can tell you that, if sanzo finds him in goku's room he will die very badly…

Zenon: very impressed Wow… Gojyo told me that.. But I didn't think that you were so evil..

Bad: Gojyo?

Zenon: Yes, he still wakes up screaming at night after you called all the queers fanboys for him from your bathroom (author's note/for this read Crazy Interviews! my other fic! There's Candy too! We really massacre them he he he)

Candy: Ok, it's time for you two to go..

Bad/Homura: Hai!  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MUSIC: 2001 ODISSEY IN SPACE (Bad's note: STANLEY KUBRICK RULES!)

Candy:NOW OUR TWO "HEROES" ARE ENTERING IN THE CORRUPTED MONK'S ROOM! WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THEM? WILL THEY SURVIVE? READ, AND DISCOVER IT!

Bad: whispers to the walkie talkie Ok, we're in the room, OVER

Candy: Can you describe to us the room? OVER

Homura/Bad: staring to the room… -SCENE..FIUUUUUU…THE WIND BLOWS.. AND A BALL OF HAY ROLLS TROUGH THE ROOM-I''

Bad: I am not able to describe the blank… well there's a closet a bed and a table, then a closet a bed and a table, and a closet, a bed and a table..

Homura:You forgot to say that there is a bed a closet and a table…

Candy/Shien/Zenon: ……………………………………. --''

Bad: Let's try to be serious, this guy really needs help... I bet that the only things that we can find in this room are the sutra, the paper fan and the smith & Wesson...;

Homura: giggling Ok, let's see him then!

Candy: Yeah!fox grin

Bad: Ok homu-chan(?), we have to slip in the floor and reach his bed…

Homura: Ok then, let's go…

THEY SLIP QUIETLY 'TIL SANZO'S BED

Bad /Homura: Oh-my-god…..

Zenon: What's up! Did he discover you?

Candy: Hey! Are you ok?tell us something damn!

Bad/Homura: He's... He's… Too sexy when he sleeps! More than usual!

Candy /Shien/Zenon: Is this really possible? Take a photo, then!

Bad: Ok, then! click Ok, now we'll start videotaping! Ladies and gentlemen, we'll here risking our lifes to make you now how do the sexier bishonen from gensoumaden saiyuki sleeps, yes people, we're talking about genjo sanzo!

Homura: tipping bad's shoulder Are you trying to tell me that you find him sexier than me? pouts

Bad: smiles widely … Y-E-S…

Homura: Umphf!

Bad: Ok homura… Take off the sheet from him! At the 3.. 1, 2, 3!

Homura: Ok!pulls the sheet

Bad: blushing furiously Oooohhh people!

Candy: What? What he's wearing? What?

Homura: nose bleeding ….. Have you three some handkerchiefs ready?

Candy: Why?

Homura: You'll really need them….

Bad: He's wearing only, and I mean only, a pair of…. BLACK BOXERS! faints

Homura: takes her before she falls My god! I have to take a photo! click

Bad: Ok ok, I'm well! Now, let's take a look at his clothes!

Homura: This is the closet opens it

Bad: Waaahhh!

Candy /Zenon: What?

Bad: There are a lot of black clothes, a black shirt, black t-shirt… And wow! A pair of black leather pants! Is he really a monk?

Homura: Yeah, and take a look at these boots!

Bad: Maybe I can forget the rule of not take nothing this time…

Homura: Yeah, please!

Sanzo: from the bed I'll kill you!

Bad /Homura/ Candy /zenon/shien: frozen from fear

Homura: I have not the strenght to face him…

Bad: I'll do it! Sanzo, we were just…

Sanzo: falls back on the bed RROOOONNNFFF…..

All: falling on the ground from shock, anime-style

Homura: My god, I think we have lost 20 years of life with this…

Bad: Yeah, he was talking in his sleep…. But homura, what do you have?

Shien: What's happening guys?

Bad: Huston, we have a problem..

Candy: What's up?

Bad: He..

Homura: I need to go to the bathroom!

Candy /shien/zenon: fall on the ground one more time

Bad: Can't you wait? We've almost finished… But.. Hey!

Homura: What's this? takes what seems to be a diary

Bad: reads "Memories of genjo sanzo"

Candy: Whaaaat? But this is absolutely un-sanzo's ! Read something, read something!

Bad: Ok, for example, let's take something recently written.. Ok then "1 of augusth" reads from the diary "What the fuck can I do? I can help but look at him… Going on this way, even that saru will find it out that… Shit.. I can't even write it…that I love that saru with all my heart.."

Homura: Whaaaatt? Go on, please..

Bad: amused … "Every time I look at him, I can't pull out of my mind thoughts like.. Hugging him… Kissing him.. And.. Fucking him…"

Homura: dreamy look He can't imagine how much I can understand him…

Bad: stares at him cinically

Homura: Well? What do you want? Aaaah I understand, you're jelous! But don't worry, there's always space for you.. seductive look

Shien: Oh no! No one can resist his seductive look!

Candy: Would you like to explain me how can you see that if we're talking with a walkie talkie? Anyway, she's not a normal girl…..

FROM THE WALKIE TALKIE: PUNCH! SOUND OF HOMURA GETTING PUNCHED BY Bad

Candy: SEE?

Candy: Hey, wait a min! Fran! The parental advisory! Parents will flame us! You reading these pornografic memories, homura triyng to seduce you! We'll end our days rottening in a prison!

Bad: Yare, yare… Sometimes, it goes well… This is an enourmous discovery… Now we'll go out of the room with this points at the diary but first, let's read something other! Mmmmh... Here! "I can't stand anymore that ero-kappa... Always hitting on girls and trying to look cool... Now he always flirts with Hakkai... Not that I blame him for this... Hakkai has one of the cutiest asses I've ever seen.. After goku's obviously..."

All: O.O

Candy: ... still shocked let's get out of the room now...

OUT OF THE ROOM

Bad: Wow, we can sell these photos and make a lot of money! Would you three see them?

Candy /Shien/zenon: hai!

Bad: Ok… shows some photos of sanzo sleeping with black boxers

Candy /Shien/Zenon: SSPPPPRROOOING! SOUND OF their nose bleeding

Homura: We'll need a transfusion…..

Bad: Yeah… dreamy face

Homura: What? dreamy face Hey you! to Candy How can you explain this? She isn't a normal girl ne?

Candy: What can I say…

Bad: I'm not a normal girl, but… Sanzo is my weak point…. blushes

Homura: And she dares to blush! It doesn't fit you a bit, with that leather coat and this black dress!

Bad: Umpfh.. And you dare to talk? You eretic-tall-dark-haired-chained-miasmatched eyes in Marilyn Manson-style guy tell me that it doesn't fit me blushing? You that giggle like a schoolgirl all the time?

Homura: Umpfh! You dark--glam-wearing-boots-and a feminine skirt at the same time-like-nothing-grumphy-nihilist-girl!

Bad: What?I can't have this style and be a normal-blushing-in-front-of-a-half-naked-nose-bleed-sexy-sanzo girl?

Homura/ Bad: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

Shien: Ok ok, let's stop quarrelling, we have trhee rooms to visit!

Zenon: Yeah! Next one is gojyo's room!.

Bad: Ok then! Candy, SUSPENCE PLEASE!

Candy: Yeah! fox grin WHAT WILL THEY FOUND IN THE SCANDALOUS ROGUE'S ROOM? WILL THEY DROWN IN PORNO MAGAZINES? WHO WILL BE THE ONE TO GO IN HIS ROOM? FOLLOW US AND WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!

Fran: Ok people! We need suggestions! First of all if you have just read this fic, please, review! It' really good to know that people reads your fics! WE THROW A COMPETITION! IF SOMEONE DOES FAN ART, DRAW A PIC OF A SLEEPY SANZO WITH BLACK BOXERS! THE ONE WHO WILL MAKE US NOSE BLEED HARDER, WILL WIN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

Candy: Maybe, some blood from our nose..

Bad: I don't now why, but I don't see this as a good idea…

Candy: Oook... Let's REVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!


End file.
